On a Lighter Note

On A Lighter Note

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US ! (If you know the author of any of these please let me know so I can acknowledge them)

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo,
the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.
The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way
on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.'
She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you
as soon as I see who's at the door.'

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN KIDS
It doesn’t take 45 minutes to get ready to go outside in winter
Dogs cannot lie
Dogs never resist nap time
You don’t need to get extra phone lines for a dog
Dogs don’t pester you about getting a kid
Dogs don’t care if the peas are touching the mashed potato
Average cost of sending your dog to school: $42. To send your kid: $103,000
Dogs are house broken by the time they are 12 weeks old
Your dog is never embarrassed if you sing in public
If your dog is a bad seed, your genes can’t be blamed

Wanda's dishwasher broke down so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under
the mat, fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.'
'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.'
'But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'
'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay
there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling,
cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid,
ugly bird!' To which the parrot replied, 'Get him Spike!'

DEAR SON
Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read very fast. You won't recognise the house anymore when you come home; we moved because your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. There was a new style of washing machine in the house when we moved in, but it wasn't working too good. I put 14 shirts into it last week, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since! About your father - he has a lovely new job. He now has 500 people under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knitted, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Your sister, Mary, had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it was a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an Uncle or an Aunt. Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your Aunt Harriet took a flight from New York to Los Angeles last week, said it was the first time she had ever arrived somewhere before she had left. Last time she thinks that might have happened, the doctors said it was Altzeimer's disease. Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin Brewery. Some of his co-workers dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated the body and it took three days to put out the fire. Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer and it kept him going until New Year's day. I went to the doctor on Thursday, and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes - your father offered to buy it from him. It only rained twice last week. First time was for three days and the second for four. On Monday the wind blew so hard that one of the chickens laid the same egg four times. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
We received a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said that if the last payment on your Grandmother's funeral wasn't made, up she comes.
Your loving Mother,

PS... I was going to send you ten dollars, but I have already sealed the envelope.